Your gut will never steer you wrong. Never.
I heard a quote recently “if it feels weird, it is weird.”
Hold onto that. Trust yourself and your gut. I have an anxiety disorder and it is still no excuse to not trust my gut and I know this now. I wish I knew this years ago but better late than never. I have developed personal tools to aid in this process. They are- to be aware, to not be blinded, to question everything, to evaluate things deeper, to not take anything at face value, get opinions, do not be easy to trust, and these things alone will lead to more informed decision making.
At the beginning there were small subtle things that told me to run, but I wouldn’t even consider them as anything more than just my anxiety. In hindsight now I realize I saw my own demise and began questioning things immediately and I should have looked into that more. I was just not in a good place at that point in life and that is why it was so easy for him to prey on my weaknesses and vulnerability.
I was in need of therapy and was totally in “save me” codependent mode and he stepped in and saved me, while leaving me in the dark about very important details of his life. Details that would have helped me to make an actual informed decision and I definitely would not have moved down here, had I known he was an intravenous drug user. That freedom to make an informed decision was taken away from me. He presented himself in a way that caused me to helplessly fall for him and I thought he was perfect…… he was actually just the perfect actor.
He always told me that he lied to me about getting high before I found out. after he had already moved us down here, because he was afraid to lose me…….. but always kept getting high regardless of my feelings about it. Hi-jacked my life for his own selfish needs and ideas, how cool. Part of me wishes I was stronger then and would have paid better attention to the signs. Part of me is beyond grateful because without that experience I would not be seeing as clearly as I am seeing today.
When people show you who they are,
Believe them IMMEDIATELY.
Take off your rose colored glasses and smash them.
Stop letting things slide just because they are attractive or appear to be put together or you are just afraid to be alone.
Stop making decisions without being fully informed. Stop making decisions out of desperation. As soon as it feels weird, take a minute and evaluate it. Make a list, put it on paper, dive into the issues and take them apart piece by piece and find out what is causing the weird energy to occur. Figure out what the hell they are before you get in too deep and then have to possibly someday deal with healing while simultaneously dealing with people asking you “why you stayed so long?” or “why you married him?” or why you did what you did in order to survive. Your story is not for everyone to understand and most people wont get it and a lot of people will judge you and find a way to blame you, they will act like they know all the answers and know exactly what they would have done and that they in fact, would have never have gotten into your situation in the first place…. And to those people, you just tell them to fuck off.
I know that some people can’t fathom what I have lived through the last 30 years. I know people don’t agree with every single decision that I made, especially in the last 6 years. But I do not regret a god damn thing. Even relapsing, I don’t regret it. It lead me to here. It showed me what I knew I did not want in my life. Marrying him because I loved him more than he ever loved me, but also because I knew it came with a safety net for my children, their home. I spent years with a man who only thought about himself and put himself first before his own flesh and blood, so finally, we got to a point where I wised up and decided to take notes and get a little selfish in order to save myself and my kids. I do not regret anything.
I saw the change in him after our son was born and I knew in the blink of an eye he was capable of pulling the rug from underneath me and my children and leaving us with nothing, as he had threatened time and time again, after he had already taken so much of my life from me. He never planned on getting clean or staying clean or trying to work any kind of a program. He focused on my shortcomings and only spoke realistically about his own shortcomings when he was high, which lead to many vicious cycles of hope and then hopelessness from me and delusions from him. He put me in a bad situation while at the same time promising me it was all good. I did what he would have done. I learned from the best.
He didn’t care how his actions affected others. Not even once. He cared more about the thoughts and well-being and safety of his using and dealing friends, over that of his own wife and children. Addiction will absolutely drive you to make the worst decisions and keep you focused away from your priorities, but I am done feeling sorry for any drug addict who doesn’t at least try to take responsibility for their disease. And when you decide to hi-jack other peoples’ lives and try to break them down and destroy them so that they can be sucked into and stuck in your misery so that you aren’t alone in it, you do not deserve any respect or honesty or to not be fucked over in return. You can only burn people so badly and so many times before they become the inferno and give it all back to you. Karma is a bitch. And she shows up whether you believe she will or not. Everything catches up to us in the end.
Since this entire experience I have been picking people apart. It sucks to genuinely like a person and then realize that they, at the very least, have the tendencies of a narcissist. And these days, I am listening to my gut.
I am so grateful for my awareness today.
I am so grateful for my clarity today.
I am so grateful for my flawed yet sound mind today.
I am so grateful for my strength today.
I am so grateful for honesty.
I am so grateful to be awake and no longer blind.
I am so grateful for peoples’ true colors.
I am so grateful for the guidance of the universe.
I am so grateful that I am not perfect.
I am so grateful that I am accepting of my flaws.
I am so grateful that I am at peace with my past decisions, regardless of what anyone has to say about them.