Life is truly what you make of it, regardless of your circumstances.
This has taken me so long to learn. Like a good 25 years.
I never wanted to believe that I had actual control over my destiny because my past was so fucked up.
Life is good now though. And I never thought this was possible.
I will be 31 in October and I finally like myself these days.
Everybody is wondering how I am so solid these days but please realize, the last year I had dived into major self-work and preparing for this role, because I knew things were only going to end up south. He was going to OD or end up in jail, no matter what I did. I spent years preparing myself for finding him dead. At the end, part of me hoped he would die (and I told him this) and it’s because I loved him and hated seeing him lose to this demon daily, I hated seeing him like that, at least if he were dead he would be at peace and no longer suffering. But he didn’t die, and I don’t think he ever would have. He would use more than humanely possible, including the bags that were killing people, and live. And a lot of times, that’s the hand us drug addicts get, we don’t get a rock bottom, we don’t get death as the easy way out. We have to choose sobriety. I always say the lucky addicts die because for many, it is hard as hell to stay clean let alone learn to function again in society. But, he gets a second chance at life too. He will be clean now, he can get healthy again, and I hope once he gets out he remembers that “one is too many and a thousand is never enough” and that “all you have to do is not do it one time. That’s it. Just don’t do it one time, and you’ll be good.” Recovery takes work- especially when you are in recovery but around drugs daily and not by your own choice. I am surprised I did not relapse sooner. Honestly, getting pregnant with my son and then breastfeeding for 6 months is more than likely what kept me from using. I choose my kids over everything and everyone, including myself, daily.
This entire process was nothing something that I could not be dumb about, it had to be right and I allowed the universe to guide me entirely. I really hoped he would just get it and we could be clean and successful. I truly believed it was possible. But it wasn’t. I ALWAYS wanted that life more than he did.
I did not intend on doing what I did that day, 17 days ago, ending the cycle of abuse and toxicity yet again, but I was pushed to the edge too many times and finally it was time to jump or be pushed. And I’ll be god damned if I was going to let that asshole push me ever again!
And I ended up with wings that I didn’t even know were there.
Although I still feel very stuck in this house and town, at the same time, I finally feel free.
The biggest leap of faith in my lifetime and now on the other side, things are rough–yes, but nothing compared to how they were.
I have wings and roots all at the same time. It is almost maddening but I am still grateful.
It was hard to gain any clarity for so long. I spent so much time cycling through psych meds to fix me, but what was wrong with me was him. I stayed stuck and depressed over his life choices and diseases that he refused to take responsibility for. And as the former scapegoat of my mother and father, I was quite accustomed to taking the blame for things that were not my fault. I tried to help him and save him and fix him, everybody knows this, I lost myself in the process and am so glad I didn’t lose myself any further but I am sure it was only a matter of time.
Today (5/7/18) I celebrate 1 month clean from cocaine. This would have been my 8th year clean come October had I not met him. I do not blame him fully but I do know where I was at when we met and I was never out looking for drugs of any kind. I was never actively looking for them here… sure, weed… But never cocaine, I knew that was my drug of choice, the drug I would choose over anything in life. But through this process I realized that I am much stronger than cocaine and I do not feel the way that I used to feel about it. I do not want it, I do not need it, I do not desire it. I do not want it here or there, I do not want it anywhere the fuck near me haha! I never wanted it anywhere near me in the last 5.5 years, but it is hard to make choices when choices are made for you.
I would beg him not bring it around me. Beg him, almost daily. He always would though. Dangle it over me for control. And I had a hard time saying no, I was a drug addict, I will forever deal with my addictive personality. But is much easier to stay clean when you stay clean of the toxicity (this is so important).
1 month ago tonight, probably around this time, he handed me some cocaine, I blew some of it…. and then handed the rest back. I had chosen to not let that control me anymore. I know addiction isn’t like this for everyone but this time my use was nothing like my former years in active addiction. I am not saying it wasn’t bad but I am saying it is very hard for me to be a drug addict and know what I already knew from being in the rooms and rehab years prior. I would blow a line and then sit in my head yelling at myself “you are stupid” “you don’t actually want this” “one is too many and a thousand is never enough” “it will always be the same, you will always regret it once you are passed the first line” “It will always be more hyped up than it actually is” I would beat myself up so bad and for what. I tried to stop so many times and begged him to respect that, but it would always turn out the same. Getting off my psych meds was life changing. I finally gained clarity. I switched to vitamins and meditation/breathing and lots of self-therapy daily.
At the end, when I had been off cocaine and any hard drugs for 2 weeks and off my psych meds for a few months as well as cigarettes, he had the audacity to tell me “you think you’re better than everyone else” crazy because when I got clean in 2010 I heard the same shit from people actively using. I said “aw, nu uh” to appease him, but in my mind I screamed “hell yes I am!” (In the most non conceited way possible) In order to survive though, I had to become selfish. I focused on me and my kids and allowed him to think I was still wrapped around his finger.
Safe to say, after this experience, I no longer feel sorry for anybody in active addition who doesn’t take responsibility for their disease.
I was handed a few of the shittiest hands, back to back to back, in my 30 years of life.
I have sat in self-loathing and I have over stayed my welcome, it is not a place that I want to be. Having my daughter almost 7 years ago is what began the process of growth and change for me.
Watching my husband wallow in self-loathing and jealousy of others and laziness and excuse after excuse, and degrading others, I just can’t accept that in my life. He would never take responsibility for anything, pass the buck constantly. It was cute at first whne he blamed my cat for scratching a baking sheet with a fork, and then it became disgusting. Do not think that shit is ever cute, EVER!!! I would tell him daily to count his blessings but that was never good enough. He never wanted too and never tried.
I keep saying, this was the best lesson of my life. I am truly grateful for the experience and grateful for my second chance and so excited with where the future is going to take us.
I am proud of myself for breaking the cycle of abuse, something that I wish had been done when I was a child so that I didn’t have to spend so much of my adulthood recovering.
I have food in the fridge, a roof over our heads, amazing support and love, my beautiful children, my awesome cats, and I have me. We have everything that we could possibly need to live. We don’t have a car, and are financially strapped but I know that those are both temporary things.
We WILL get past this.
This was the best outcome I could have ever of anticipated!