Being alone has been something else. It has been so new and scary and exciting and peaceful. I certainly miss the 10 minutes of “me time” that I used to get every now and then and that no longer really exists for me until bed time every day. I am learning to become o.k. with this. Life has been moving so fast, probably mainly because the days have been moving fast. Now that my son is in his room every night at a decent time he is up in the morning early and whoa do I miss quiet solo mornings.
I am stuck in my memoir, not stuck, but stagnant and slow. I am finally writing about my, as I like to call it, “manipulationship” that I endured with my husband. It is so hard to confront all of those words and emotions. I was able to bust out ten thousand words in 6 hours regarding my life 10 to 12 years ago… but this stuff is so fresh… too fresh. I need to stop avoiding it but I just want to completely and entirely avoid it.
I have been distracted for sure., I totally allow it. I need to work on what is distracting me because in the end I am realizing it is not all worth my attention. I guess this is just a process. I was craving attention for so long and would do anything for it but like now I am just chillin’. I am not going to beg for anybody’s time or attention. Maybe that will cause me to be single forever and I honestly do not think that would be all bad. But it will also cause me to have legit people around me and I am o.k. with that.
I am such a weird way right now. Maybe its the several glasses of Moscato Sangria, I am mellow. I feel like I could throw myself into depression at any second and just sit there in self loathing, and in this moment I am in charge of that and I am choosing to not go there. What would it get me anyways?
I feel like things are falling into place and at the same time I still feel so incredibly lost. Maybe once we get through the divorce stuff I will feel better. I do believe that is what is keeping me in a constant state of avoidance when it comes to my memoir and dealing with life on life’s terms.
The human experience really sucks sometimes. I feel like everyday I am getting on track and falling off track in other ways. It is super stressful being a solo mom of 2, oh wow. I was not prepared for this role in life. I mean, I am doing it, we are all alive and well and better than ever but sometimes I just feel like ripping my hair out. I have my moments but they aren’t awful and things could be worse. I am constantly working on instantly replacing every negative thought with a positive one. I feel like I am kind of going insane because of how much I am talking to myself lately but I am my only adult company so I guess I should be grateful.
Limbo. that’s a good depiction of where I feel like I am right now. Totally stuck, under the bar, in absolute limbo. I do not think for a second that I will fail but some moments it is truly hard to be optimistic and positive. I know that I am my own worst enemy. I am the only one in my way. I feel like if I could just get my brain under control, things would be easier, but I know I would have better luck catching fish with my bare hands. I am grateful because mentally and emotionally I am doing well and as much as I hate this sedentary garbage moment I also know that it is just part of the human experience. ugh.
This mindless babbling venting is so necessary.