We ended up being able to spend a long weekend in my hometown and it was nice and really so very necessary. But then here we are. Back at this place. This house. The house we may lose before I even get to sell, which would mean we walk with nothing after this total shit show. I am feeling hopeless today. I move forward 2 steps and then get pushed back 10 steps instantly. I am grateful but like, not prepared to live in my car with 2 kids and 3 cats. Obviously I would never let that happen. I lived in my car once just me, it would never would with all of us lol.
I don’t know what is keeping me here and alive and strong. Having a car has really made a huge difference. Being able to leave this place; all the memories and flashbacks are so vicious. I am for sure going back to my trauma therapist, fortunately and unfortunately.
I think I am broken and it may be permanent this time. I am constantly disassociating and feel incredibly numb to everything. I may never let another man in again. What’s the point? That is terrifying. I have accepted being alone and am getting comfortable with it. I hate being alone but I hate attachment more. I refuse to ever go through any of this shit again regardless. I am just going to keep grindin’ and building my empire, just solo now. I have a lot to learn but I am not too scared. I just feel like I do not know what to do next.
What I do know is healing has to be number one.
It is the craziest shit I have ever gone through. It has been like a process that I have felt in my body. Like a weight was added and some of it has been released and every now and then it gets lighter. It almost makes me feel “over come” by whatever it is, and I don’t really know what that means.
I can’t stop thinking about the times he put a gun to my head. I can’t not look at my cat and remember the night he grabbed him and pointed the gun at him. I can’t shake the look of his face while he stood at the top of the steps, blocking my escape and my path to surviving that night.
I feel like I can’t do this. And I definitely can’t go out and get a job like this. I will continue to keep skating by on what little money I am making from my business and hope and pray it continues to grow and is the thing that saves us.
I feel so many things. Alone. Lonely. Rejected. Neglected. Guilt. Sad. Empty. Scared. Numb. And somehow I manage to stay optimistic and slightly hopeful and I guess maybe that’s because of my kids.
We won’t always be here.
I will get us into a better place in life.
I am having major issues writing my book, total avoidance. So many fresh issues that I am not ready to confront but I know I’d rather get it over with. I am having issues focusing in general. So stressed and the depression is becoming so real.
I have become productive the last few days with Rusnock Naturals, I am so glad. I need to get back on track.
If I didn’t have to worry so much about the financial garbage, I am sure things would be much easier.
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ps I am also working on self love and body positivity. its going well =)