I honestly do not even want to be here, I have been avoiding writing like nobody’s business.
My grandfather passed away and before and after his actual passing, my boyfriend and I broke up twice. The depression is real.
What in the actual fuck?!
I miss my grandpa so much! It does not even seem real that he is gone.
As for speaking on relationships– I will just say that it is so important that we are honest with ourselves before anyone else about our needs and our expectations. If we aren’t honest with what we need or want with ourselves first, then we will “troubleshoot” (so-to-speak) with people trying to figure it out which will hurt people along the way. We all need self work! Many of us have a hard time figuring out our needs and wants because we can’t stand the thought of being alone and that is when self work can truly be done. But for some of us, I am also guilty of this, in that alone time we distract ourselves with looking for another or something to fill that void in order to feel ok with ourselves, if that makes sense. Instead of using that alone time to work on ourselves and heal, we create a recycling of co dependent madness! This cycle never resolves so therefore it takes hold from the gate and guides our thinking in relationships until the pink cloud goes away and reality sets in and we realize we are in a place that we don’t actually want to be at. Before you know it, you are in a relationships that you feel trapped in.
Where did all of these expectations come from? Another reason we get into this predicament is when we decide to rush and skip steps. People cling to one another in new relationships because they miss each other without knowing or understanding that space is good and it is ok to miss each other. Maybe this relationship was just another lesson for me, leading up to the best relationship of my life with another person, but it sucks because it really felt like “the one” and I really thought that he was. The reason why I say another person is because regardless of anything- the relationship with myself needs to be the first one that I focus on and needs to be the healthiest and the best because at the end of the day I always have me and I know that I need to be good.
I am at a place where I feel broken but also don’t feel bad for being down and taking time to heal through some things. I have lost what feels like a lot in the last few weeks but I know my grandpa is still here with me and that my past relationship left me with many things that I learned about myself and other people and relationships in general.
I know no mater what I am just gonna keep on smiling! It causes more stress to be negative and depressed than to just be happy. Ill allow myself to have sad moments but I know I will be ok in the end…. and I will just get more tattoos!
I guess that is all for now. At least I can say I wrote. (: