Avoidance and some fucking poetry

I hate being on break currently- I am so bored I could die. My side job has been slow the last 2 weeks which I should be grateful for however, I am so bored! And maybe it would not be so bad, but the depression playing a role is defeating. Being an entrepreneur also, who works from home with two kids who are also on break, is impossible by the way, so therefore I find myself scrolling endlessly on social media to all end points of “you’ve seen everything” land where part of me dies because I am disgusted with my current state of feeling down and mild self loathing and total engagement of all the distractions that lead to avoidance.

all the distractions
all of the avoidance
lead to emptiness
stuck in a wheel, on repeat
how to figure it out?
no fucking idea
come here to write.

so here I am, writing. because at least this takes me out of my current realm of life momentarily enough to remember that I need to heal and that this is healing.

And unfortunately, I know now enough, that healing never comes with blinking “you’ve made it” or “successful completion” lights and there is no road map nor is there directions. You have to figure this shit out by taking chances and whims based on gut feelings. Gut feelings are tough when you have anxiety because literally every single thing in my life comes with the chatter in my mind of not being able to decide what is the right thing to do. Is this the feeling my intuition guiding me or my troubles misleading me? It is so hard to figure it out and honestly seems like it only truly gets figured out (in pieces) AFTER we go through hell in a relationship.

I am so tired of all of this
every single thing
every single word you said
every single lie you fed
the promises and dreams
the laughs and the fun
the tears and the screams
the passion and the love
the heartache and the pain
the confusion and the tension
the burning and the dread
the fire and the end

you sold me words covered in hope
seeping in insecurities
blanketed in charm and compliments
broken numb and feeling dumb
you played your role, the cast is done
simply set aside this fabricated love
and moved right past like it was null and done
It was nothing

a heart is broken and full of pain
the emptiness in need of a drain
to drain the nothingness that I feel
and the heaviness that could smother
the world goes on, regardless

I’ve lost so much lately, like a professional “I’ve got this!”
I can handle this pain like its my middle name
but why should I have to? when does it end?
where is my fairy tale happy ending?
maybe I am my own savior, my own prince, my own hero
maybe, maybe not
I will be anyways going forward, because why not
I know I won’t lie to me
or make promises that I cant keep
I won’t make me cry or abuse me
I won’t take advantage of me
or take me for granted
I won’t make promises to my children
and then take them back
I will be good for me
you’ll see
and one day, you’ll just be a memory.

20191212_184709

Moving forward is tough. It is so tough to go from strangers to lovers to strangers again. He didn’t even wish me a Merry Christmas…. so much for love, and being friends and not being able to forget the last 8 months. So much for all of those bullshit words he fed to me. where are you now? gone. fuck you. I am so tired of crying over you and I know writing about it is better than texting you because at least here you can’t just make it all about you.

You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep others warm, remember that!!!
Do not cross oceans for people who would not cross a puddle for you!!!

This relationship came with a lot of lessons that I did not want to see because I always want to see the good in people and always see what they’re capable of being instead of what they actually are presently. Not everybody is trying to be the best version of themselves! Not everybody is trying to level up out of this dimension in this worldly hell. STOP THINKING PEOPLE ARE JUST LIKE YOU!!!! If you think people have the same heart as you, you’ll be let down every single time. Every single fucking time!

-x