Nobody- that’s who you are to me now.

I want to hate you so bad, but I can’t (ok we aren’t totally throwing it back that far but still)
I honestly am so sad and let down and I realize it is because of the exhaustion that has been relationships in my life and I really thought this was it for me.

I actually don’t hate you, I am annoyed with you
I am let down by you and feel betrayed by you
but I do not hate you
I am free now
nobody to confuse me
and use me
nobody to yell over nothing
or turn conversations into huge issues
nobody to be bothered when I should happen to snore
nobody to follow behind me, cleaning up who I am
like I am a mistake full of errors that needs fixing
nobody to critique every single thing that I do and products that I use
and focusing on all of the things that I didn’t do right
nobody to tell me all the things that they don’t like about me
whether it be my colorful verbiage, my music, or my beliefs
nobody to tell me that tattoos are trashy
nobody to make me feel less than
nobody to trap me with their negative energy constantly
dragging me into battle, persisting until the end
nobody to make me feel last or forgotten
you won’t ever read this,
you don’t give a damn
nobody to keep me in a box like perfection is real
nobody to misunderstand my soul dripping with miscommunication
nobody to make it all about them
nobody to fool me or play me or make me feel as so
nobody-
that is who you are to me now.
now, I am free.

I think it is an understatement to say that the universe has a sick sense of humor. I kind of am like holy shit what the fuck?!?! after 2019. None of it seems fair, but I am glad to be on the path that I am on. My heart hurts and I miss him but I know its also easier and better this way. I also really miss my grandpa, who has been gone almost 3 weeks– which does not seem real still at all. This blog is entirely made up of creative boredom plus mild insomnia (its early still).

It is Friday night and I am a homebody so that is where I am. That’s also why dating is hard because I do not really drink and it seems like everybody is trying to turn all the way the fuck up all the damn time, and I just can’t. I’ll stick to my tree but other than that– I’m good. So that also is why I am working daily on re directing my brain and focus to myself and being content with being alone. I want to get to a point where I am so ok with being alone that when Mr. Right does come along– I WALK RIGHT PAST HIM!!!!!!!!
I am seriously so over it. My ex broke me, but maybe it is exactly what I needed.

-x

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