I totally understand the drive and motivation to find love and somebody to share your life with, I do! As a libra, I am not meant to be alone… but also at this point in my life I am realizing that I am also not meant to be in a relationship that involves settling. After my last relationship I have decided that I am sooooo done spending time searching for “Mr Right” and am going to start investing that time into my damn self and into my children! I am just so turned off by dating it is unreal. Getting to know a man in terms of building a relationship on love and trust which could all be ripped away at any second——-NOT WORTH IT TO ME ANYMORE!
Through this journey of fearlessly and unapologetically learning to love me, I have heard that all the love in the world that you could get from another person, you can indeed just give to yourself! I know this is true, it has to be if you think about it. I won’t hurt me. I will always be honest with me. I will always know where I stand with me. I wont get stressed out about my texting style. I wont get stressed out about my colorful language, my style of music, or how greasy my lotion is. And even better yet, I have my kids so I am actually not alone and that helps a lot. My kids give me a reason to live and a reason to love myself. My kids don’t need me to be perfect and they don’t need me to be dating, my kids just need me to be happy and if secure and independent is also occurring at the same time, then better yet!
So just to continue this rant in a more general way…. When does the self work and self love end? NEVER. And if you think its going to and then when the miracle happens, then that’s crazy because it should always continue as long as you’re alive, regardless of if you end up with somebody or simply end up happy being alone. Let go of attachments, let go of expectations, heal your wounds and your soul and your heart and fall in love with you! So many of us do not want love ourselves because of fear and ego (isn’t that always the shit that gets in the way). We believe that we are not worthy of love so we ignore our wounds and we then project unhealthy attachments onto others because we have not learned to love ourselves, and we certainly haven’t healed our wounds. I know I have quoted this before… “If you don’t heal what hurt you, you’ll bleed on those who did not cut you”… which is basically what happened in my last relationship…. At the end of the day we were not the on same page because so much projection was happening, because there was still so much healing left to do…. and it also helped me to realize that I want my soul mate to come to me WHOLE…. I do not want anymore projects. We are not meant to be rehabilitation centers for our significant others, you should want a partner, not a project!
So what does self love look like? I do not claim to be an expert, I just speak from my experience and this is basically my idea of self-love. Self-love is being honest with yourself and your needs. It is being patient with yourself. It is wiping your own tears and being your own hero. It is working hard on your own creative passion to better yourself. It is meditation, yoga, and exercise. It is feeding your body healthy foods more than junk foods. It is hanging out and laughing with friends and people who fill you up and make you feel love. It is knowing that your mental health is just as important as your physical health and yes there is a relationship. It is being grateful for your blessings and reminding yourself of them often. It is being proud for all that you have accomplished, (even small things) when we forget where we came from, we are bound to repeat it. It is being optimistic and positive because you know that being negative and pessimistic is bad for your health- and lets be honest “no amount of guilt can change the past and no amount of worrying can change the future….” (Umar Ibn Al-Khattaab) you might as well just go with it! Self-love is knowing when to say no, and knowing when to say yes, and also knowing when to say FUCK IT, HELL YEAH! It is taking time to refill, knowing that you cannot pour from an empty cup. It is knowing that you need to be selfish in order to be selfless. It is speaking nicely to yourself and changing negative thoughts to positive ones, and calling your asshole break out. It is flipping the script on self-limiting thoughts and beliefs and challenging them with “Yes, actually I can fucking do that” or “Actually I am fucking awesome”. Self-love is striving to be better as opposed to bitter. It is knowing that you have zero control over anything or anybody, except yourself and accepting that. It is speaking kindly to others and taking accountability and responsibility when necessary. It is not staying where you are not welcome, loved, and accepted. It is knowing when to leave the table if respect is no longer being served. It is learning to eat alone and being GOOD with it. It is being kind to all people and giving to those who have less. It is sharing your story and your passion without fear because we know that we only keep what we have by giving it away. It is knowing that we can’t save everybody and that healthy boundaries are important. I could go on and on, but I suppose this is a good list of what I believe self-love consists of.
I know a lot of this sounds like it wouldn’t necessarily be self-love, more like random acts of having morals, but if you go around treating people like shit and/or being a shitty person, how happy will you be? how much happiness, love, and life will you actually feel? What will you attract? And then to get into an attachment with another person and end up projecting your shit onto them…. HELL NO. And we attract what we are so if you are hurt you will attract that. Everybody we get into attachments with, comes into our lives as mirrors of ourselves to teach us lessons about ourselves. Many times we need to let go to level up (in my experience), especially when we do not want to. Go love yourself first!!!! We all need to remember that we aren’t perfect and we have toxic shit we need to work on! Do not be ashamed of who you were, life is about growing and learning! Use all of the lessons to guide you, not drag you down.
Self- love is forgiving yourself and striving to do better. Self-love is knowing its ok to be alone doing me and that life does not require relationships.
And I won’t sit here and say I haven’t been affected by how my heart has been recently ripped out of my chest and fucking crushed, it definitely has not been easy but if I spent my entire days dwelling on it, I would not be getting anywhere! I firmly believe that the grieving process is necessary and that when our brains remind us of it, it is just our brains processing it out. I cried this morning over a Frozen 2 song because I miss my recent ex and the song flooded me with memories of us (like wtf Frozen 2). But I also know right now isn’t the time for us, and maybe never… but only time will tell but I am not waiting around or holding my breath and I will just keep moving forward, working on me! I will pick myself up like the queen that I am and move forward because I honestly cant be fucking touched after everything that I have been through in life.
I am a fucking survivor.
“No amount of guilt can change the past, and no amount of worrying can change the future. Go easy on yourself, for the outcome of all affairs is determined by Allaah’s decree. If something is meant to go elsewhere, it will never come your way, but if it is yours by destiny, from it you cannot flee.” ― Umar Ibn Al-Khattaab