Love Can Find Me. I’m Done Looking.

During this journey of finding myself and growing I have read so much about different things and have dabbled in the twin flame and relationships realm of information and I guess I use that as a guide in a way. The older I get the more true a lot of it becomes. I am finding that life is about something so much larger than many of the things that I thought it initially was. After going through drug addiction, and many, many, several many failed awful relationships, and major coping and healing breakthroughs in my life, I am realizing that I only have me and that is all that I need. I will make sure my children are taken care of. I will make sure that I keep moving forward, never backwards, and achieve my goals. I will make sure there is food on the table and happiness in our hearts. I will make sure that we are all good.

And ya know, part of me always had this idea that some prince charming would come along and take me away and handle it all and I would be fine to just live and take care of the family. And you can’t really laugh or judge me for believing that, after all there was once a time where that was how life worked, in terms of men went to work and provided while women handled the home. We are raised and groomed in a way to be looking for our counterpart to spend our lives with. Some of us find it young, I can name a handful of relationships that began in middle or high school and now they are married with kids, and still happy. That is not the norm and I think we all know that. But as time goes on, people grow, they get married, they have careers and children and build homes. I see all of this around me; the majority (I dare say) of people my age are in a committed relationship or married with children. And I could not be more turned off if I tried.

It’s weird to be 32 and single, with 2 children… I feel like I became that woman from t.v. shows and movies that I admired when I was younger, for her single handed courage and bravery. But I always had this part of my mind that told me “that would never be me” “I’ll never end up alone” I figured that I would be with the man that I was going to spend my life with by now, and not be this single mother, living at her parent’s house, with her 2 kids in a bedroom (for which I am so grateful and thank the lord for bunk beds and Ikea cubes… but like, finally I’m finishing my bachelor’s degree and going onto grad school. I finally feel like I am catching up with those that I grew up with, who all have done the successful careers, marriage, house, kids thing. I guess it’s just that… I did it out of order and to me it seems like I did something wrong. I guess maybe I did a lot of things wrong, survived a lot of things that should have killed me, but I also have some wild experiences in many different areas of life. And maybe I went to multiple universities trying to find my path and it took several tries but I finally found it. I have gone so far off onto a tangent it’s insane but this is leading to my point….. in a roundabout kind of way.

I think relationships come to teach us things about ourselves and teach us tough lessons. I have learned that it is about leveling up which is why I also think a lot of those tough lessons are never received by people; as you’ll often see them recycling experiences through their relationships and never improving the problematic parts of themselves. I think people come into our lives to teach us about ourselves, life, and ego. And I firmly believe that when you are growing through co-dependency and abandonment issues, relationships especially are going to teach you hard lessons about letting go. Due to this insane socially constructed idea about relationships, I have found that when I find something that I think is good, even when I found out that it’s not good, I cling to it for various reasons. My past marriage is a good example of a relationship where I absolutely over stayed my welcome and at least this past relationship, I only hung out for a few more months instead of a few more years, so good I am learning my lesson.

I remember being young and hearing “whatever you don’t like in other people is a reflection of what you don’t like about yourself” and that never left me and I do think it has some truth. So I always brought that to relationships with me. I think that relationships come to us to teach us about ourselves or I am just incredibly self-aware and have become used to digging into triggers and seeing if I am bothered by something somebody does, and if I also do it. That’s also a good way of checks and balances when trying to grow and stay away from toxic situations and people. If you align with whats going on around you, good… if not, its time to go. If you are growing and improving and something bothers you about another person, and you look deep inside and realize it is because they are toxic and you actually aren’t doing that, then its time to move on; even if they gaslight you. There have been many times where I have looked inside of myself and did see those flaws that I saw in others and I found a way to either accept them or improve them. But this last relationship I found many areas where I knew I had grown, and he very obviously wasn’t growing at all and was not willing to, and I knew that I had to let go. Learning the difference between your anxiety misleading you and intuition guiding you is CRUCIAL! It is so important to learn these lessons about others and about ourselves so that we can find what’s truly meant for us and not the same thing over and over and over again but with different partners.

So that’s it, in summation: relationships come to teach us lessons, sometimes that lesson is letting go. Sometimes that lesson is letting go so that you can be ok on your own so that you are ready to receive what you are meant to have. Because you won’t receive it until you are ready to. So I am sitting back. Love can find me. It can find me and climb my walls that I won’t bring down for just anyone or anything.

Good luck, love.

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