The Spider

The spider weaves his web so beautifully spun. I often wonder if I could be a spider and spin a web so perfect. The spider uses his new spun home to catch his prey. He delicately but skillfully wraps up his dinner to save for later. A bug. A mere defenseless bug. I wonder if you screamed like I screamed, being all wrapped up. Can you not breathe like I couldn’t breathe, being so wrapped up tight. Lying in web, waiting for my demise. A friend joins me, also stuck in the predatory grasp of the beautifully spun web. Here … Continue reading The Spider

Flashback

The gunMy catThe gunMy headOver 3 years later The gunMy catThe gunMy head I see my precious boyCuddle him closelyWhile he purrs The gunMy cat You grabbed himAnd put it to his headYou’re sickThat was the end Over 3 years laterThe memories still flood me The gunMy headThe basementThe wallSleeping childrenSilent witnessesScreaming womanLaughing man Aluminum baseball batTapping on my headIn hopes to crush my skullAnd leave me dead The gunMy catThe gunMy brains Could have been all overThat basement floorWhat the fuck exactlyWas that TerrifiedThe most terrifying night of my lifeAs I truly believed that I would die I wonder … Continue reading Flashback

Check out my Memoir!

Available on Amazon Kindle! I know you’ll love it! A Lot: A Survival Memoir Through Mental Health, Addiction, and Abuse is a terrifyingly real journey through different variations of hell. From managing mental health issues at an early age, to dealing with addictions, as well as abuse that has occurred surrounding these experiences. A Lot is a personal account of my life experiences which has been mainly tumultuous. I feel like I have experienced some very large and catastrophic events in my life and I wanted to share my story for multiple reasons. I want to educate, I want to … Continue reading Check out my Memoir!

Like A Warrior

She waited for changeShe stayedShe thought it would get betterBut she was wrong Through turmoil and painThunder and rainShe cried for daysJust wanting to run away She waited for changeShe stayedShe thought it would get betterBut she was wrong There was love at the beginningOr so she believedBut she was wrongShe was fighting a war she would not winAt least not in the way that she thought She held onShe screamedShe fought for her lifeShe prayedShe beggedHelp She waited for changeShe stayedShe thought it would get betterBut she was wrong FinallyA choice that was made through herBut not by herSomething … Continue reading Like A Warrior

I need to be here way more often…

We ended up being able to spend a long weekend in my hometown and it was nice and really so very necessary. But then here we are. Back at this place. This house. The house we may lose before I even get to sell, which would mean we walk with nothing after this total shit show. I am feeling hopeless today. I move forward 2 steps and then get pushed back 10 steps instantly. I am grateful but like, not prepared to live in my car with 2 kids and 3 cats. Obviously I would never let that happen. I … Continue reading I need to be here way more often…

You don’t do it for me anymore.

Today was scary as hell and empowering. We went to court for our PFA. My attorney went into the courtroom and I did not have too. But that didn’t mean he wasn’t going to be walked out past me. In neon yellow and shackles. His eyes burned through my soul. He stopped for a moment, we both locked eyes, I looked away. Shook to the core. Tears to follow.   I survived. He is only worried about selling the home where my kids and I are living, He must need commissary for some Ramen! How selfish. Want to sell the … Continue reading You don’t do it for me anymore.

We will overcome this.

But, how do you begin to overcome this. Long story short, self love. Luckily I am a veteran at surviving things like physical, psychological, and emotional abuse, but not all of us are so lucky. Here I am 9 days after you were removed from this house. In 2 hours exactly. 9 days free. Like a bird and I have only hardly begun to find my wings. I never knew I had this strength.   I loved him. This total narcissist, con-artist, abusive, selfish, asshole, drug addict. But he saved me. But I found out too late about him. This … Continue reading We will overcome this.

Re-post from 02/05/2018

Crazy how things have changed since I posted this. I know in the last 6 months I chose to thoroughly focus on myself and kids. and it worked out better than I ever thought it could.   So my company (Rusnock Naturals) is spreading beyond handcrafted beauty and wellness products and I couldn’t be happier. Together we can learn new and healthier ways of getting through life whether it be meditation, exercise, coloring, self talk, healthier eating, overall healthier head space. I am working so hard at getting my body healthy that I also have been trying to focus on … Continue reading Re-post from 02/05/2018

The end & The beginning.

  You have been gone a week, well in like 8 hours technically But still. You are gone. Because of me! I finally found the strength that you thought I never had. The strength that you thought you had stolen from me for years. And maybe you did, but guess what, I found it! My babies and I are free. Free.   I lost myself because of you. I lost myself a few times. I did not recognize the girl in the mirror. You scared me. I scared myself. We could not go on like that forever.   I will … Continue reading The end & The beginning.