I need to be here way more often…

We ended up being able to spend a long weekend in my hometown and it was nice and really so very necessary. But then here we are. Back at this place. This house. The house we may lose before I even get to sell, which would mean we walk with nothing after this total shit show. I am feeling hopeless today. I move forward 2 steps and then get pushed back 10 steps instantly. I am grateful but like, not prepared to live in my car with 2 kids and 3 cats. Obviously I would never let that happen. I … Continue reading I need to be here way more often…

You don’t do it for me anymore.

Today was scary as hell and empowering. We went to court for our PFA. My attorney went into the courtroom and I did not have too. But that didn’t mean he wasn’t going to be walked out past me. In neon yellow and shackles. His eyes burned through my soul. He stopped for a moment, we both locked eyes, I looked away. Shook to the core. Tears to follow.   I survived. He is only worried about selling the home where my kids and I are living, He must need commissary for some Ramen! How selfish. Want to sell the … Continue reading You don’t do it for me anymore.

We will overcome this.

But, how do you begin to overcome this. Long story short, self love. Luckily I am a veteran at surviving things like physical, psychological, and emotional abuse, but not all of us are so lucky. Here I am 9 days after you were removed from this house. In 2 hours exactly. 9 days free. Like a bird and I have only hardly begun to find my wings. I never knew I had this strength.   I loved him. This total narcissist, con-artist, abusive, selfish, asshole, drug addict. But he saved me. But I found out too late about him. This … Continue reading We will overcome this.

Re-post from 02/05/2018

Crazy how things have changed since I posted this. I know in the last 6 months I chose to thoroughly focus on myself and kids. and it worked out better than I ever thought it could.   So my company (Rusnock Naturals) is spreading beyond handcrafted beauty and wellness products and I couldn’t be happier. Together we can learn new and healthier ways of getting through life whether it be meditation, exercise, coloring, self talk, healthier eating, overall healthier head space. I am working so hard at getting my body healthy that I also have been trying to focus on … Continue reading Re-post from 02/05/2018

The end & The beginning.

  You have been gone a week, well in like 8 hours technically But still. You are gone. Because of me! I finally found the strength that you thought I never had. The strength that you thought you had stolen from me for years. And maybe you did, but guess what, I found it! My babies and I are free. Free.   I lost myself because of you. I lost myself a few times. I did not recognize the girl in the mirror. You scared me. I scared myself. We could not go on like that forever.   I will … Continue reading The end & The beginning.

Apparently tears don’t run out.

Yesterday I was told (by a man) that women are stronger than men and can endure through way more than a man can and it is simply because women cry more. We cry more. I don’t know about other women but I cry A LOT. probably way more than a normal woman should. I cry when I am hurt I cry when I am sad I cry when I think about how I was basically cheated out of a life I cry when I think of death I cry when I think of losing the people that I love I … Continue reading Apparently tears don’t run out.

in short. don’t give up. you can’t.

What do you do When you feel like you don’t belong Like a lost dog. And feel so trapped at the same time. Like trying to climb out from a hole that has no bottom, that you can’t seem to get out of. Clawing at the dirt… All while it keeps caving in on you…. Suffocating.   This life is forcing me to use strength That I never knew I had There is no “call home” Whenever things get bad. There is no savior.   Just me.   Fighting this battle. Alone. After what I thought I knew Turned out … Continue reading in short. don’t give up. you can’t.

Validation

It is almost Easter. It is almost the 3rd Easter since I saw my family last. It has been 3 years. It feels like it all happened YESTERDAY. According to society, I have committed a taboo, by cutting off the contact with my parents, by cutting off toxic hell.   I woke up this morning feeling some kind of way, because it is almost the 3rd Easter without them. It means nothing, it is just another day, I know this. But my anxiety insists, that I keep in mind, That I am the blackest sheep of all the sheep. This … Continue reading Validation