I need to be here way more often…

We ended up being able to spend a long weekend in my hometown and it was nice and really so very necessary. But then here we are. Back at this place. This house. The house we may lose before I even get to sell, which would mean we walk with nothing after this total shit show. I am feeling hopeless today. I move forward 2 steps and then get pushed back 10 steps instantly. I am grateful but like, not prepared to live in my car with 2 kids and 3 cats. Obviously I would never let that happen. I … Continue reading I need to be here way more often…

Progress over Perfection & Intermittent Fasting.

Always progress over perfection!! There has to be no other option to maintain sanity in a totally insane brain and world. I finally did it, I slept in my bedroom last night. It was 4 weeks exactly that I have slept on the couch. It has been brutal.  Of course I had nightmares which I knew would the case. My plan on getting down there was to do so as soon as I felt like I couldn’t physically keep myself awake anymore and that was so the case at like 11:30pm after having been awake for 14 hours. I laid … Continue reading Progress over Perfection & Intermittent Fasting.

this may be the night that my dreams might let me know….

So many things are going to change and I am not sure that I am ready. I am filled with sadness, right now. I feel so bad for him. After everything. I loved him no matter what. I feel like a fool. Full of dread. I just feel lonely and sad and confused and lost worthless And at the same time, feel like I am an unstoppable force capable of anything.   I feel defeated and discouraged And yet somehow remain hopeful And I have no idea where that is even coming from.   I feel betrayed and let down … Continue reading this may be the night that my dreams might let me know….

We will overcome this.

But, how do you begin to overcome this. Long story short, self love. Luckily I am a veteran at surviving things like physical, psychological, and emotional abuse, but not all of us are so lucky. Here I am 9 days after you were removed from this house. In 2 hours exactly. 9 days free. Like a bird and I have only hardly begun to find my wings. I never knew I had this strength.   I loved him. This total narcissist, con-artist, abusive, selfish, asshole, drug addict. But he saved me. But I found out too late about him. This … Continue reading We will overcome this.

The end & The beginning.

  You have been gone a week, well in like 8 hours technically But still. You are gone. Because of me! I finally found the strength that you thought I never had. The strength that you thought you had stolen from me for years. And maybe you did, but guess what, I found it! My babies and I are free. Free.   I lost myself because of you. I lost myself a few times. I did not recognize the girl in the mirror. You scared me. I scared myself. We could not go on like that forever.   I will … Continue reading The end & The beginning.

Apparently tears don’t run out.

Yesterday I was told (by a man) that women are stronger than men and can endure through way more than a man can and it is simply because women cry more. We cry more. I don’t know about other women but I cry A LOT. probably way more than a normal woman should. I cry when I am hurt I cry when I am sad I cry when I think about how I was basically cheated out of a life I cry when I think of death I cry when I think of losing the people that I love I … Continue reading Apparently tears don’t run out.

in short. don’t give up. you can’t.

What do you do When you feel like you don’t belong Like a lost dog. And feel so trapped at the same time. Like trying to climb out from a hole that has no bottom, that you can’t seem to get out of. Clawing at the dirt… All while it keeps caving in on you…. Suffocating.   This life is forcing me to use strength That I never knew I had There is no “call home” Whenever things get bad. There is no savior.   Just me.   Fighting this battle. Alone. After what I thought I knew Turned out … Continue reading in short. don’t give up. you can’t.