The gunMy catThe gunMy headOver 3 years later The gunMy catThe gunMy head I see my precious boyCuddle him closelyWhile he purrs The gunMy cat You grabbed himAnd put it to his headYou’re sickThat was the end Over 3 years laterThe memories still flood me The gunMy headThe basementThe wallSleeping childrenSilent witnessesScreaming womanLaughing man Aluminum baseball batTapping on my headIn hopes to crush my skullAnd leave me dead The gunMy catThe gunMy brains Could have been all overThat basement floorWhat the fuck exactlyWas that TerrifiedThe most terrifying night of my lifeAs I truly believed that I would die I wonder … Continue reading Flashback
I haven’t been here in a while, seems to be my story lately. I have been productive just in other areas. But writing just seems to be on the back burner. I can’t bring myself to focus with the being … Continue reading I am broken–Not to be confused with un-fixable.
Always progress over perfection!! There has to be no other option to maintain sanity in a totally insane brain and world. I finally did it, I slept in my bedroom last night. It was 4 weeks exactly that I have slept on the couch. It has been brutal. Of course I had nightmares which I knew would the case. My plan on getting down there was to do so as soon as I felt like I couldn’t physically keep myself awake anymore and that was so the case at like 11:30pm after having been awake for 14 hours. I laid … Continue reading Progress over Perfection & Intermittent Fasting.
It is almost Easter. It is almost the 3rd Easter since I saw my family last. It has been 3 years. It feels like it all happened YESTERDAY. According to society, I have committed a taboo, by cutting off the contact with my parents, by cutting off toxic hell. I woke up this morning feeling some kind of way, because it is almost the 3rd Easter without them. It means nothing, it is just another day, I know this. But my anxiety insists, that I keep in mind, That I am the blackest sheep of all the sheep. This … Continue reading Validation
Anxiety is the owner here. we are fine. There is no cure when it comes to crippling anxiety due to things like trauma and bi polar disorder. There is only work, daily. How the hell have I even made it this far? work, daily. I hate to be out in the real world because too much public contact freaks me out and yet, I still have a mind on over drive, while I am home, not near crowds, just me and my mind, going insane….. work, daily. How do I stay alive everyday? These flashbacks and toxic thoughts are enough … Continue reading The hell that is my mind
From now on, I come here to heal. Flashbacks… always… daily….. there is nothing that I can do, except this… I spend a lot of my days helplessly living in the past… triggers are always so simple and unavoidable, there is never any warning. I cant stop thinking about “solid oak coffee table” since last night then to wake and see one posted for sale on a yard sale site thanks facebook. But, specifically, it was the coffee table he made by hand for our living room… side note: crafted in the same place he would cut out a wooden … Continue reading Solid Oak Coffee Table