I need to be here way more often…

We ended up being able to spend a long weekend in my hometown and it was nice and really so very necessary. But then here we are. Back at this place. This house. The house we may lose before I even get to sell, which would mean we walk with nothing after this total shit show. I am feeling hopeless today. I move forward 2 steps and then get pushed back 10 steps instantly. I am grateful but like, not prepared to live in my car with 2 kids and 3 cats. Obviously I would never let that happen. I … Continue reading I need to be here way more often…

The end & The beginning.

  You have been gone a week, well in like 8 hours technically But still. You are gone. Because of me! I finally found the strength that you thought I never had. The strength that you thought you had stolen from me for years. And maybe you did, but guess what, I found it! My babies and I are free. Free.   I lost myself because of you. I lost myself a few times. I did not recognize the girl in the mirror. You scared me. I scared myself. We could not go on like that forever.   I will … Continue reading The end & The beginning.

in short. don’t give up. you can’t.

What do you do When you feel like you don’t belong Like a lost dog. And feel so trapped at the same time. Like trying to climb out from a hole that has no bottom, that you can’t seem to get out of. Clawing at the dirt… All while it keeps caving in on you…. Suffocating.   This life is forcing me to use strength That I never knew I had There is no “call home” Whenever things get bad. There is no savior.   Just me.   Fighting this battle. Alone. After what I thought I knew Turned out … Continue reading in short. don’t give up. you can’t.

Validation

It is almost Easter. It is almost the 3rd Easter since I saw my family last. It has been 3 years. It feels like it all happened YESTERDAY. According to society, I have committed a taboo, by cutting off the contact with my parents, by cutting off toxic hell.   I woke up this morning feeling some kind of way, because it is almost the 3rd Easter without them. It means nothing, it is just another day, I know this. But my anxiety insists, that I keep in mind, That I am the blackest sheep of all the sheep. This … Continue reading Validation

Solid Oak Coffee Table

From now on, I come here to heal. Flashbacks… always… daily….. there is nothing that I can do, except this… I spend a lot of my days helplessly living in the past… triggers are always so simple and unavoidable, there is never any warning. I cant stop thinking about “solid oak coffee table” since last night then to wake and see one posted for sale on a yard sale site thanks facebook. But, specifically, it was the coffee table he made by hand for our living room… side note: crafted in the same place he would cut out a wooden … Continue reading Solid Oak Coffee Table