I need to be here way more often…

We ended up being able to spend a long weekend in my hometown and it was nice and really so very necessary. But then here we are. Back at this place. This house. The house we may lose before I even get to sell, which would mean we walk with nothing after this total shit show. I am feeling hopeless today. I move forward 2 steps and then get pushed back 10 steps instantly. I am grateful but like, not prepared to live in my car with 2 kids and 3 cats. Obviously I would never let that happen. I … Continue reading I need to be here way more often…

The end & The beginning.

  You have been gone a week, well in like 8 hours technically But still. You are gone. Because of me! I finally found the strength that you thought I never had. The strength that you thought you had stolen from me for years. And maybe you did, but guess what, I found it! My babies and I are free. Free.   I lost myself because of you. I lost myself a few times. I did not recognize the girl in the mirror. You scared me. I scared myself. We could not go on like that forever.   I will … Continue reading The end & The beginning.

Apparently tears don’t run out.

Yesterday I was told (by a man) that women are stronger than men and can endure through way more than a man can and it is simply because women cry more. We cry more. I don’t know about other women but I cry A LOT. probably way more than a normal woman should. I cry when I am hurt I cry when I am sad I cry when I think about how I was basically cheated out of a life I cry when I think of death I cry when I think of losing the people that I love I … Continue reading Apparently tears don’t run out.

in short. don’t give up. you can’t.

What do you do When you feel like you don’t belong Like a lost dog. And feel so trapped at the same time. Like trying to climb out from a hole that has no bottom, that you can’t seem to get out of. Clawing at the dirt… All while it keeps caving in on you…. Suffocating.   This life is forcing me to use strength That I never knew I had There is no “call home” Whenever things get bad. There is no savior.   Just me.   Fighting this battle. Alone. After what I thought I knew Turned out … Continue reading in short. don’t give up. you can’t.

Therapy.

The struggle To survive Is so real When your mind is working against you daily. And all of the time.   How do you live When you only think about dying?   You simply survive.   Every day of my life The thoughts don’t stop Especially lately   Becoming unstable, then… Choosing my own demise… I was weak. However, I don’t recall being in the drivers seat Of my mind at that point in time…   I don’t need to be under the influence to make bad decisions. My brain does that just fine on its own.   But… “that’s … Continue reading Therapy.

Holiday

Holiday’s are just another day anymore Days that happen to drive me insane in the days leading up to a holiday things change for me and its only when I begin snapping at my husband that we sit down and talk he says “I cant believe this is still so hard for you, but I get it. and then we realize “oh, Easter is coming” Which this year also lands on my Grandpa’s birthday AND April Fool’s Day too bad none of this is a joke.   Have fun today spending time with each other and if i come up … Continue reading Holiday

Validation

It is almost Easter. It is almost the 3rd Easter since I saw my family last. It has been 3 years. It feels like it all happened YESTERDAY. According to society, I have committed a taboo, by cutting off the contact with my parents, by cutting off toxic hell.   I woke up this morning feeling some kind of way, because it is almost the 3rd Easter without them. It means nothing, it is just another day, I know this. But my anxiety insists, that I keep in mind, That I am the blackest sheep of all the sheep. This … Continue reading Validation

The hell that is my mind

Anxiety is the owner here. we are fine. There is no cure when it comes to crippling anxiety due to things like trauma and bi polar disorder. There is only work, daily. How the hell have I even made it this far? work, daily. I hate to be out in the real world because too much public contact freaks me out and yet, I still have a mind on over drive, while I am home, not near crowds, just me and my mind, going insane….. work, daily. How do I stay alive everyday? These flashbacks and toxic thoughts are enough … Continue reading The hell that is my mind